You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
