If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
