Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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