Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
