I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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