I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
God I need to hump something, right now.
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