He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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