Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
