my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
