it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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