Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Randomize
