I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
you win again, gameday.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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