Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
