i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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