I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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