dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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