shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
