dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
