Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
