Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Randomize
