glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
