the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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