Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
