I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
