I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
