**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
