I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
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hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
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I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Pooping to opera.
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