Your dad touched me again.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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