I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Semen is not good for contacts.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Randomize
