the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
