So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
