then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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