We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
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Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
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I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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