he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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