I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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