it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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