Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
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I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
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Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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