I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
