i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
