That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
