So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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