So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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