She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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