I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
