Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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