Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
