I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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