my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
