Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
