if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
