I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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