i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
