The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
