I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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