Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
