So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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