Don't make out with my wife yet
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
